With long arms he bends over and picks up the large white beanbag chair made to look like a giant soccer ball from the corner of the room and throws it in front of the tv. It lands with a loud "whump." He falls on top of it and then readjusts his tan shorts to be more comfortable. He reaches out to the side of the beanbag, and picks up the long rectangular, gray remote control and presses the button to activate the television. He sits still while the large black television, three feet infront of him, comes to life.
The tv slowly brightens into a white screen displaying the xbox 360 logo in green and gray. The boy waits, tapping his index finger on the side of the white controller, his left foot bumping up and down on the carpet, as the label "Ghost Recon" appears on the screen. His long fingers press the buttons in rapid succession, guiding the screen through a series of pictures, until it reads "loading." His fingers flex and unflex as the loading bar slowly moves from left to right.
As he begins to play the game, he works the controllers, moving the sticks with his thumbs, his eyes never leaving the screen. His mouth twists into different shapes as he plays. First he grimaces, then smiles, then grimaces again. He frowns in concentration, eyes never blinking, he opens his mouth into a snarl, and jerks the controller upward two times, and then laughs, a smile on his face.
6 comments:
I thought this was a difficult writing assignment. I had to keep deleting lines, because they were not real observations, but guesses. I wanted to tell more of a story than just observe.
I think there is a ton of room for added observation detail.
You did a great job! It wasn't to long, or wordy. It gave me the right information to picture it in my head. Watch for spelling errors as in "eft" "left" foot and so on. One thing is i found myself kinda lost when trying to picture the boy. How old was he? What was he wearing or how did he look? But otherwise it included all the points a observation should have.
Good...I thought that this was very descriptive. One spelling correction is "throws" instead of "throughs".
The first two paragraphs were right on. I felt that this may have ended a little abruptly. Describe him playing the game a little more and perhaps what is actually happening on the screen and I think this will turn out just fine...later
Ghost Recon is a great game, very vivid, and I would have liked to see a little more description of his interactions with what was going on screen causing him to smile or jerk his hands.
There is a great deal of information about what the player is doing and how he is expressing himself, but very little on the actual player and what he is like. Left me wanting a bit more.
I like your style of writing. It has a nice flow to it and the words are precise and descriptive.
I can relate to the experience and the expressions that are described here. I think that as you mentioned, you could include some more details, perhaps about what was going on in the game, why he grimaced, why he smiled, and what was going on that caused him to jerk the controller.
This seems like a popular theme today. Bill Gates would be proud :-).
What is a a loud "whump?" How does it differ from a thump, plop, or even a bang? This is an opportunity to stretch yourself and see how you can describe sound, a difficult thing to do.
I am very much reading into your post, but it seems as though you are struggling not to tell a story. Right now, focus on the details.
Imagine you had to explain not what was happening, but the scene itself to a person who had been blind from birth. If they wanted to know what was there, how would you describe it?
Good narrative but needs a bit more detail. Try to be precise in your language.
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